Z:i wish that, instead of taking the metro to work this morning, doing my job and ultimately getting that IM and clicking the link that instead I'd had my testicles removed with a blunt and rusty object, and then had them crammed into my eyesockets, blinding me.
“I have an axe to grind with Susan Boyle and people’s reception of her. To them she promises that we all have something wonderful inside us just waiting to come out. That’s bullshit. She was always that talented but she was so caught up in her own loser mentality that she never got her eyebrows waxed or even submitted a demo tape. If anything she is a warning not an inspiration”—My friend and former co-blogger Russ (via thejerkstore)
“It’s sad what’s happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they’re the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid”—Bill Maher, LA Times 4/24/09
The FAA released all that bird strike data they’ve been keeping for the last thirty years, and it’s searchable. Did you know, for instance, that between 1990 and 2008 there were a total of 14 “American Alligator” bird-strikes in Florida alone?
A handful of people I work with decorate their workspace with motivational quotes. Sometimes they are in a fancy font, laminated and professional looking. Other times, they are scrawled out on a piece of notebook paper and hung with a tack. No matter what, they are stupid.
Some people say to think outside the box. I say you should out think the box.
There is NO such thing as failure, just deferred success
When you believe, it is only a dream; when you take action, it is a reality
If you think the way you’ve always thought, you’ll always have what you’ve always got
Do these actually motivate people, and if so, why? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the people who have these at their desks are douchebags. What I want to know is what is the component present in these people that makes them read that quote and think, “Yes! That platitude speaks to me! Everything makes more sense after reading that. I am now motivated!” I think it’s a combination of self-importance and low IQ.
There is only one thing that motivates me: Donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
1988 NWA brings a new level of authenticity and danger to rap, and pisses off white parents;
Public Enemy move into the realm of sonic genius due to their innovative approach to dissonance; piss off even more white parents with their militant, anti-white politics
1989 Beastie Boys drop Paul’s Boutique; hip hop officially becomes art music
1990 Vanilla Ice exhibits the depths of inauthentic white rap
1991-1992 Nothing of consequence happens
1993 Wu Tang begins to make cool music, t shirts
1994-1995 Nothing of consequence happens
1996 DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing raises the Beasties’ bar and becomes the first example of hip hop as “true” art music; hip hop production now respectable in indie rock circles
1997-1998 Nothing of consequence happens
1999 Eminem immediately becomes the greatest rap lyricist ever: he is the first rapper to be ironic, funny, and self-deprecating, and he acknowledges that poor whites are just as marginalized and oppressed as their black counterparts;
MF Doom releases Operation: Doomsday, a creative masterwork blending 80s easy listening R& B, monster movies, and cartoons. And he does it all while donning a metal mask as part of his character’s back story. He’s essentially doing ghetto performance art!
Jay-Z declares himself the greatest rapper alive; draws parallels between the corner drug dealer and the corporate maven; transcends the ghetto niche with witty lyrics and pop beats.
2000 Wu Tang falls off: their fans are all suburban wiggers and old “keep it real” types
Outkast channels Funkadelic and broadens hip hop’s palette: they’re from the South, one of them dresses funny, they experiment with electronic music
Record labels Def Jux, Anticon move hip hop out of the ghetto, expanding boundaries by making cerebral hip hop that’s more like indie rock in its approach
2001 Missy Elliott breaks through hip hop’s glass ceiling with her electronic beats, girl-power lyrics, colorful videos, robust figure, and lack of a Y chromosome.
Buzz builds around 50 Cent, a NY rapper who embodies primal black aggression and sexuality; plus, he was really shot 9 times. How authentic!
2002 Eminem’s music becomes stale when he starts to hang around with 50 Cent and pretends to be all “gangsta;” Plus, he won an Oscar and white suburban teens love him a little too much.
2008 Lil Wayne drops The Carter III, which instantly becomes the greatest rap album ever
Race, gender, region, skill, access to equipment no longer barriers to rap success; knowledge of rap no longer a barrier to writing hip hop music criticism. Hip hop finally becomes the embodiment of the democratic ideal!
OK, so here we are on the middle of single month two and at the encouragement of my friend J. (founding member of Bitter and Singles Club), I signed up for OK Cupid. From what I have been told, OK Cupid is a hipper and more casual than usual dating site than many of the other options. It also appears to be full of women around my age who are interested in various things and we are matched together based on how I answer various questions offered by the site. It is all pretty stupid, but a perfect way to meet new ladies without really trying all that hard.
Let me be totally clear about what I am looking for with regard to dating right now. I really don’t want to be forced to do anything or try, in any way, really. People don’t seem to understand this concept. They will say: “Then you don’t really want to date somebody.” No, sometimes I go to places that would be better with female accompaniment. Would you like to join me? Cool. Do you want me to exert any effort in getting you to come with me? Not cool. I have zero desire to try to charm or undeservedly make you feel special or important. I am not going to buy you anything and I am not going to do anything out of the ordinary to try and impress you. If you want to judge me for not living my life in the normal fashion while I am with you then that’s cool. You probably won’t like me in a few years anyway, when we both actually get comfortable.
I want to meet someone as myself. 100%, this guy right here. Not the dating self, the real self, the day-to-day self, the guy whose friends and family love him. The guy who calls things retarded and g—hey, but would never make fun of actual retarded and gay people. The guy who yells things out the window to other cars when they drive like assholes. The dude who orders whatever he wants on the menu, no matter what your diet is pretending to be this week. I am well aware that this track will not work forever and that it probably dooms me to a life of loneliness, cigarettes and Ramen for dinner, but I am going to have a go with it for a bit.
You know why this zero effort track probably won’t work in the long term? Because people are constantly making up rules in their head and not telling anyone that those are the rules. He has to ask me first. We have to go on X number of dates before X will happen. If he doesn’t do X by X then he is a(n) X. If X doesn’t happen by X then it is never going to work out. He totally said X; I can’t believe it, he is never going to make a good X. You know what I have found out? Most of these rules are total bullshit. Just because they worked for Molly Ringwald or Renée Zellweger doesn’t mean they are real. Ice cream doesn’t make it all better and aren’t you glad that you didn’t marry Tom Cruise? These rules are little things people make up in their heads to prevent themselves from getting hurt. They prevent real communication, genuine connections and any semblance of healthy interpersonal relationships.
“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?”—Rep. Betty Brown (Texas legislator that wants Asian-Americans to cut it out with the confusing, non-American names).
“Miss Liberty bowed her head. From on high and nigh, she witnessed the horrifying cataclysm. There were tears in her eyes. And the nation cries with her. Denver was not torched, but it has been touched.”—
I am proud to introduce 911 Happened To Me! to the world. It’s a site devoted to compiling the most inane, alarmist, reactionary and Irony Is Dead comments everyone said — and I mean everyone — in the days after September 11. 9-11 turned every person into a moron. The site exists to document that. You all have something in your old emailbox, or a particularly ridiculous column someone wrote, or just something uniquely insane. Email them to email@example.com.