The latest bit of editorial excellence from Sarah Palin’s hometown newspaper, the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman. This little masterpiece comes to us from Pastor Ron Hamman of the Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla. Please note: If you enjoy things like reason and logic in your arguments, I think you’ll find this one quite persuasive.
“Now they’re saying that we can’t have gay marriage because it would confuse the kids. But you know what else confuses kids? Everything: Time zones. Books without pictures. Cargo pants. Certain hair colors. Jello molds. The magic trick with the quarter behind the ear. Mirrors. Mentadent toothpaste dispensers. Everything confuses kids, because they’re kids. So “Will it confuse kids?” is probably not the best litmus test for, well, anything besides toys and Spongebob plotlines (and even then, there’s a lot of leeway). ”—This Is Your Kid On Gay Marriage | TV | A.V. Club (via frogcynic) (via maisavant) (via danielfaraday) (via trapeze) (via bandages)
So, about a week ago, I responded to one of those Nigerian bank scams with an email saying something along the lines of "give me my money, I am ready." Low and behold, I log in this AM and one of these clowns appears in my Gchat:
me:I want my money.
Michael, this isn't a joke. I want my money now.
Give me my money.
me:awesome send it on over
I am ready
In fact, why don't you give me your address and I will have my boys pick it up for me.
NATWEST:SEND THE REQUESTED INFORMATION AND YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR MONEY YOUR MONEY IS INTACT AND SECURE HERE IN OUR BANK GET BACK TO US WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION
me:WHY DO YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS?
NATWEST:I DECIDS SO
me:You know Michael, I would be much more comfortable dealing with a banker who can spell. "I DECIDS SO" isn't really the most reassuring phrase to hear from a banker.
NATWEST:How do you mean?
what are you insunating.
me:Well, generally from my previous experience, bankers can, you know, spell and use basic sentence structure.
I am "insunating" that you are a fraud.
Or shall I say, full of crap.
Or that I think you are trying to scam me.
I give you my information, you steal my money, I never get my 3.4 million.
NATWEST:hey dont use that word scam on me
me:You see, money isn't free, no one ever gets sent a random 3.5 million out of nowhere, so you sir are a scam artist, and trying to get me to give you my information to take my money.
scam scam scam.
right this is all i want to hear from you
me:ok, I am sure you are busy giving away your millions
It must be really rough
Keep it up with the ALL CAPS, that really does the trick, lets them know you are legit.
NATWEST:its now obvious you are not the right fully beneficiary of the fund
me:Yea, I am sure, sorry I tipped you off.
How will you know when you find the "right fully beneficiary?"
NATWEST:you are not
foregt the money
me:Right, but that wasn't what I asked.
I am sure you will find them. I have faith in you.
You are really smart.
OK so I have forgotten the money.
So, how did you get into this whole scamming thing?
Is this your part time gig?
I am thinking of getting into this myself and was looking for some tips.
I am thinking the first step is get some fake money.
Done and done.
I am unclear about step 2.
me:I asked you a few questions.
NATWEST:keep that to yourself
me:I am not sure what that means.
Like I said, I am thinking of getting into this myself and was looking for some tips.
I know that you are really busy "banking" right now, but could you help a brother out?
Ten years ago, the Flaming Lips released their ninth and possibly best album to date. Stereogum has collected an assortment of covers from the worlds of indie, jazz, pop, folk, and even a cappella to give an idea of the album’s far-reaching impact.
“A lotta cats get up at an age around, in their early 30’s, and they start to think about lifetime companionship. And that’s when they start to meet ladies who are not too prone to trust anybody. And they got plenty of history to prove to you why they shouldn’t trust nobody. I didn’t know you then, when all of that stuff was going down. Put them other cats away, man, and let me try to make something in your life.”—Sample from Brother Ali’s Good Lord. Perhaps Gil Scott-Heron?
I send important paperwork/legal documents to people as part of my job. Every couple of months I find someone trying to tell me that they didn’t receive something that I sent—Not that they lost it, that I never sent it. Obviously, as I am not a moron, I keep proof of send and receipt for every document that leaves my office and can always prove that I sent said document to them, and that they, in fact, are the one(s) who lost said document. Despite this, they always argue that I never sent it and therefore I need to spend 15-20 minutes of my day making up for this non-mistake. Without fail, I have made sure that everyone learns to regret putting me through this b.s. cycle and the same person has yet to attempt this same shenanigans twice.
This morning, my company sent out an email saying they are looking for an “experienced blogger” to start writing posts for a new company blog they want to feature on our homepage. It pays $300 per month, which is more than I make by blogging now. Of course, part of the selection process includes “submitting example of past blog entries”, which, if I was stupid enough to do, would cost me my job. So, I think I will have to pass.